


She’s the Tear in My Heart, I’m Alive

by relinquish_one_bullet



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 07:56:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10986726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relinquish_one_bullet/pseuds/relinquish_one_bullet
Summary: I don't know why I'm doing this but I can't get it out of my head. So there.





	She’s the Tear in My Heart, I’m Alive

“We’ve got another coming in. Paramedics called ahead.” The nurse bustled into the break room, hair disheveled already from a tight bun on the top of her head

“Give me the details.” Eva stood, one last bite of a half finished bagel before she threw it in the trash, pulling her white jacket on over a black tank top 

“Unresponsive. She was attacked, looks like blunt force trauma. Pupils are unreactive to light and the left is dilated, full blown. They’re two minutes out.” The nurse responded, reading off a tiny notepad

“All right. Get me a neuro team on standby and open up Room 25. We’ll need to relieve any pressure on her brain.” Eva sighed, “And I’m sure there’s more they’ve failed to tell us. Talk to surgery and the cardiac team just in case. I want to be ready for anything.” 

The nurse nodded, jogging to the main desk in the middle of the ER. Eva moved towards Room 25, pushing open the curtain as the squad pushed through the metal doors near the back. 

“I’m here.” She motioned to the squad and pointed to the empty room 

The girl looked terrible, both eyes blackened and a bleeding head wound on her forehead, an indent to her skull evident. Already the specialists were lining up outside the room, beeping machines in hand. Eva took the report from the paramedic and did a thorough, quick, once over. 

The small, red dress was torn, her shoes missing and her feet bloody, pieces of glass sticking haphazardly. Eva took her pulse, checked the minor cuts on her legs, and then saw the blood pooling beneath her. She lifted the dress, sighing and shaking her head. 

“We need to contact SVU.” 

•••••••••••••••

“Olivia Benson.” The woman crossed the hall, another woman with blonde hair trailing behind her, “This is my Amanda Rollins, we’re detectives for SVU. A nurse called about a Jane with signs of sexual trauma.” 

“That’s one way to put it.” Eva stuck out her hand, “Dr. Eva Murphy, I’m taking care of her. So far no ID, no witnesses, no one coming forward to claim her. She’s…in pretty bad shape.” 

Eva led the way down the hallway and then into her patient’s room. Machines beeped rhythmically over and over again, IVs pumping clear liquid through veins in both her arms and neck. Olivia swallowed and gently shook her head. 

“Is she going to make it?” Amanda asked from behind her and Eva sighed

“It’s hard to tell.” She led the way to the hospital bed, “She’s been pretty banged up. A broken wrist, three broken ribs, not to mention lacerations on her legs, feet and vaginal area. Her head trauma is the worst of it. We managed to relieve some of the pressure on the brain but there’s no telling how long the swelling lasted. _If_ she wakes up, she could have no memory at all. And that’s the happy scenario.” 

“Did you run a rape kit?” Olivia asked, eyeing the girl 

“Yes. As soon as I suspected.” Eva nodded, “But I have to warn you now, it doesn’t look like a typical rape. It’s more likely an object was used, something that caused the lacerations in the first place. I don’t think you’re going to find DNA.” 

Olivia nodded, running a hard through her hair. Eva checked several of the IV bags and then the monitor momentarily before lowering her voice and directing her attention back to Olivia.

“This may be out of line, but this isn’t the first rape case I’ve seen with a similar pattern. The same head trauma, the same genital lacerations.” Eva stated, “I think you may be looking at a serial rapist. And based on the trauma from this Jane, I’d say he’s escalating quickly.” 

“Ok…can you pull the files on those other girls? We don’t need names yet, I don’t want you to violate your patient confidentiality, but if we can look over the statements maybe we can find more in common and move from there.” Olivia asked

“Already done. I’ll have them faxed to your office within the hour.” Eva nodded

“You would’ve made a hell of an attorney.” 

The voice startled everyone in the room and Eva glanced to the doorway, surprised to see a ghost, her past unfolding delicately in front of her. There was a momentary lapse in the conversation, long enough for an uncomfortable silence, and then Eva slowly turned her attention fully to the man. 

“The best.” She smirked, a hand on her hip 

“Well.” He slyly grinned in response, “Myself excluded, of course.” 

“Barba.” She crossed the room and he gently kissed her cheek when she reached him

“Murphy.” 

“You two know each other?” Amanda crossed her arms, “And what’re you doing here, Barba?” 

“Yes, I met Eva a long time ago.” He spoke quickly and didn’t expand and so neither did she, “And I heard the report and I was in the area. If I were you I would listen to Eva’s gut instincts. She’s never been wrong.” 

“That you know of.” She raised an eyebrow 

“I like my chances on that.” He shrugged and narrowed his eyes in a playful way, “Let me know if you need anything, Olivia. If this is really a serial rapist, we need to get in front of it fast.” 

“Agreed. Dr. Murphy, please keep us updated on her status. I want to know right away if she wakes up or if anything changes.” Olivia nodded slightly 

“Absolutely.” 

Olivia and Amanda both nodded, first to Eva and then to Barba before retreating from the room. The beeping seemed to come back ten fold and she glanced back at her patient as Barba stayed standing in the doorway. 

“It’s been a long time, Rafael.” She admitted after a moment, turning to face him again 

“A lifetime.” She couldn’t place his tone but something softened his features ever so slightly

She nodded, unsure what to say. But he wasn’t leaving, wasn’t moving from the doorway and had effectively blocked her exit as well. He cleared his throat and stared down at the floor for a moment. 

“I…maybe we could catch up. Dinner perhaps?” He met her gaze again and she offered a soft smile 

“Of course.” 

Relief momentarily crossed his face but he covered it with a smile and a nod. She didn’t know why, he’d never done anything wrong, he had nothing to be nervous about. He fished in his breast pocket and pulled out a business card, his phone number printed in shiny, black letters. 

“When are you off?” He handed her the card 

“Tonight? In an hour or so.”

“Great.” He readjusted his jacket, “There’s a great Italian place down the street.” 

“I think I know it. Has a nice bar.” Eva grinned

“You read my mind.” 

“I always did.” She stepped out of the room, glancing back with a smirk one last time and then walking to another patient’s room, his business card tucked safely into her pocket 

•••••••••••••••

“You look great, by the way.” 

His admittance was after another scotch, neat, and her own tall glass of dark, red wine, was finished. He leaned back, surveying her softly and she felt the tiniest of blushes creeping up her neck. 

“How long’s it been since I saw you?” She teased, nodding when the waiter motioned towards their empty glasses, “Five years?”

“Seven and a half.” He replied confidently, shaking his head 

She looked away. Most of that time had been her own fault, her own insecurities pushing her through medical school. Rafael seemed to notice because he reached across the table and placed a hand on top of hers, momentarily, like an afterthought. 

“I…I’ve always wanted a chance to apologize.” He muttered as the waiter brought over more drinks

“You have nothing to apologize for.” She replied and he snorted into his drink bitterly, shaking his head 

“Of course I do.” He didn’t elaborate, not at first, and she sighed, dragging fingers through her long, dark hair 

“Rafael…” She began but he waved a hand in front of himself and shook his head again 

“Please.” And she closed her mouth; “You know…I took this ADA job with you in mind.” 

“You know I’m fine.” She smiled, “It was a long time ago.”

“I should have done something. It wasn’t fair.” He retorted, frowning 

“The man who hurt me is dead and the one responsible for law school is…well, as good as dead, really.” She replied, “There’s no one left to fight against. It’s over.” 

“I know.” He said it like he didn’t really know, “But that’s why I fight for SVU now. Because I didn’t fight for you then.” 

There’s a pressure on her chest she isn’t entirely aware of until he admits it and then suddenly that pressure is dissipating quickly and she’s feeling lighter and although they never crossed the line, back in law school, she suddenly feels a lot like kissing him. 

But she doesn’t, she merely smiles and drinks more wine and relaxes more heavily in her chair. Barba seems to feel better now that he’s gotten the truth off his chest, now that they’re on even ground again. She wonders if he’ll ever truly forgive himself. 

“I don’t blame you, you know?” She tries to help, “You weren’t the reason I left.”

“You disappeared.” He whispered after a moment, “One moment you were in class next to me and the next you were gone and no one knew where and I couldn’t get ahold of you again.”

“I know.” It was her turn to feel regret, to feel responsible, “I…I couldn’t stay after what happened. I knew it wasn’t the right path for me. I took a few weeks on my own to figure everything out and then I took the MCAT and applied for med school. Figured I could help more people that way.” 

“Well, it seems to have worked out at least.” His normal tone was back again and he sipped on his drink 

“It has.” She agreed, “I’m happy in the hospital.” 

“Good.” He turned his full attention back to her, “Then you’re staying here? In the city?” 

“For the foreseeable future.” She grinned, fully aware her teeth were probably stained from the wine but not caring 

“Then I suggest we don’t wait another seven and a half years to see each other.” He joked, clinking his glass with her own 

“Agreed.” 

The rest of the night seemed to move slowly. He told her about some of his upcoming cases, ones he expected to win, and she told him about some of the more interesting patients she had. They skirted around the current case, the current patient, it was too fresh and would come up again later, she was sure. 

When the restaurant finally closed they both walked out into the cool night, light coats wrapped tight around and surveyed their options. Rafael was due for a meeting with the DA early the next morning and she would be on call in a mere five or six hours. They bid short goodbyes, promised to stay in better contact this time around, and then went their separate ways. 

Back in her bed, piled high with comforters and blankets and pillows, Eva began to drift, the alcohol in her system paving the way to a good nights sleep for once. Flashes of the past danced across her eyelids as she fought to stay awake, fought to remember. 

She could see the law building, could even feel the warmth from Rafael as he walked beside her, too close. Nothing had ever been said between them, neither wanted to admit that there might be _something_ to talk about, but it was there nonetheless. 

If she had stayed, would it have finally come to fruition in some drunken party, pressed together in a stairwell? Probably. The thought made her feel too warm. 

They walked into the building and then sat down side by side. Neither got along with the other students and truth be told, friendships were discouraged in this particular class as there was so much blatant competition and arguing. It wasn’t natural. Yet they stayed seated side by side nonetheless.

The class dragged on, a lecture, the edges of her memory fuzzy. She couldn’t see the other students, could barely see the screen in front of her as notes whipped past. When all was said and done, she was called to the front by the professor, Dr. Thines.

“Miss Murphy, your petition has been denied.” He commented and she felt her heartbeat race, her palms sweaty

“He _raped_ me.” She spat, “You don’t think there’s a conflict of interest with…”

“I don’t care if he killed your mother. This is who you’ve been assigned to defend and your grade in this class depends on it. You will show up to court, you will defend Mr. Lawrence to the best of your ability, and I will grade you based upon the outcome. Your _allegations_ are just that, no criminal case has ever been tried against the man.” 

When she didn’t say anything, Dr. Thines rolled his eyes and began packing away the things he’d brought. Already students were beginning to trickle in for the next class, staking claims at the desks in the back of the room. 

“I can’t…” She began again 

“For Christ’s sake, it’s not like he’s going to rape you in the court room, in front of all those people.” He retorted loud enough for the other students to hear

What else was there to say? She gave him a glare, one she couldn’t help, to keep from crying, and then stormed out of the classroom. Barba was waiting on a bench outside, bored, but hopped to his feet when he saw her. 

“Hey.” He grabbed her arm to keep her from running, “What happened? Are you ok?” 

The tears were falling now and she sputtered, shaking her head. It was too public, here in the hallway, and he knew it. He dragged her outside and then down a block, keeping an arm wrapped firmly around her shoulders as she sobbed, quietly, staring down at the ground. 

They finally stopped, hidden between buildings down the street, and he pulled her in front of him. His fingers wrapped around her arms, keeping her cemented in place, while his thumbs rubbed against her. 

“Eva?” He whispered her name and when she looked up she saw the fear in his face, the uncertainty 

“My petition was denied.” She choked, “I have to defend the man who raped me from a goddamn fraud charge or I fail the class. Thines will make no exceptions. I won’t graduate.” 

She sobbed, hanging her head, and then suddenly Barba had his arms around her and was pulling her in close. She gripped onto the back of his dress shirt and pressed her face into his neck as he held her, rubbing a hand up and down her back to try to calm her down. 

She didn’t know how long they stayed there but it seemed like an eternity before the tears finally slowed down enough for her to breathe again. She sniffled and then squeezed him tight one final time. She realized, foolishly, that she’d never been this close to him before. It made her even more embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.” She pulled away but he latched onto her arms again, this time at the elbow

“Don’t.” He pulled one hand back so that he could brush away leftover tears on her cheek and then offered her a handkerchief from his breast pocket, “What’re you going to do?” 

“I don’t know.” She answered truthfully, “I can’t defend him though.” 

He nodded, like he understood, but of course he didn’t really. She wiped away the rest of the tears roughly and brushed a hand through her hair. 

“I just need some time. I want to be alone.” She brushed the front of her dress away and looked away, guilty

Rafael simply nodded again. She knew he wanted to help, knew he would do something foolish if pressed. But she couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let anything happen to him. 

“I’m sorry.” 

He hugged her in an instant, shaking his head. She squeezed her eyes tight to stop from crying again and then clung to him, her last comfort for the likely future. He kept one hand at her lower back and the other at her head, keeping her pressed against him for a full minute. When she finally pulled away, she kissed his cheek and then walked home alone. It was the last time she’d seen him. 

Weeks later, Mr. Lawrence the rapist was found guilty of fraud but bought his way out of prison time. He couldn’t buy his way out of prostate cancer though and died a short six months later. It didn’t bring the closure she thought it would, but it did make her feel a little better. 

Dr. Thines continued teaching to the best of her knowledge for the next five years and then succumbed to early stages of a particularly aggressive strain of Alzheimer’s. She’d even seen him in the hospital she held a residency in, shuffling down the hallway, a shell of himself. She lost any and all desire to keep tabs on him after that. 

And of course there was Barba. He was the only thing she missed about law school, the only friend. She busied herself with med school work to keep from feeling guilty about ignoring his calls. Eventually he just stopped calling and she got her reminders about him from newspapers. He was a natural, one of the best, and when he began working almost strictly for SVU it made her heart hurt in a warm sort of way. 

Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at the dark ceiling for a moment, unaware that she’d started crying at some point in the half asleep memory. She brushed the tears away and tried to remember what Barba looked like tonight, in a dress shirt and with his same, bright eyes. 

She thought about how she wanted to kiss him and how maybe they’d get back to being friends and about how warm she felt now in bed. She smiled and drifted off to sleep.


End file.
